How to Conjure Your Lady Tribe: The Art of Finding Amazing Girlfriends


While packing for Costa Rica, I remember sitting on my floor picking through my sister’s stash of assorted condoms she brought home from some kind of STD awareness fair at her school. Of course I’ll need condoms, I thought, tossing aside the flavored and expired ones. There will be surfers! There will be traveling outdoorsmen! There will be hippies who’ll wanna balance my Svadhisthana ifyaknowwhatI’msayin’.

Alas, my condom cache remains untouched: Instead of a steady stream of tanned hardbodied men, the Universe has blessed me with some of the coolest, most magical women I’ve ever met.

I’ve been lucky to have these ladies delivered to me: in a matter of weeks, we have beach days, we cruise around town on our bikes, we karaoke, dance shamelessly, talk for hours and connect. They’re beautiful souls, and make me miss my saucy Chicago gal posse.

Finding good women to be friends with is hard: Western culture breeds contempt and jealousy between women. You are supposed to compare yourself to every other woman you see: are you thinner, prettier and richer than she is? If yes, find someone else to compare yourself to. If no, agonize and torture yourself over it until you are. Repeat. With this mindset, is it any surprise that we tend to approach other women with our guards up, catty remarks readied at the tips of our tongues?

But when you get past the bullshit and find people who are secure with themselves, confident in their bodies, minds and gifts, something divine begins to happen: women lift each other up. We realize that we’re on the same team, share the same secrets and are a part of an ancient sisterhood. You know them when you see them, too: there is electricity between you, like you’ve known each other for years–or lifetimes! Talking is effortless; you bond over books and life paths and contemplate your purpose, then pore over a cryptic text or mention your cheese craving in the same breath. Being surrounded by a Lady Tribe that shares your joy, sorrows and keeps you laughing is crucial to staying balanced. Here are a few ways to cultivate an amazing group of girlfriends for yourself:

Get your head right

Of course, easier said than done. Get grounded, get to know yourself and the kind of woman you want to be. She is kind, brave, creative and loving, in touch with her desires and what nurtures her soul. She sheds what doesn’t serve her effortlessly and summons the things that make her thrive. Then start acting like that woman. Meditate, smile at strangers, set aside time to be creative and take care of yourself. Cultivate these qualities you admire. Merely putting out the intention of being powerful and confident will draw other powerful and confident people toward you, like a magnet.

Know what you’re looking for

Much like in dating, friendships tend to hold patterns. If you usually have friends that are needy because you’re naturally a caretaker, notice this. Do you have a history of getting disappointed by friends who don’t reciprocate what you put in? These are NOT the kind of people you want to hang out with! Right off the bat, clarify that you’re looking for people to boost you up and enrich your life, not hold you back.

Be generous

With your words, with your compliments, with your genuine interest in the other person’s life. If you’re into someone’s sweet bag or immaculate brows, tell her! Send out those warm, sunny vibes that make you shine from the inside out. This generosity comes from a space of authenticity–a genuine desire to reach out and have someone in your life without expectations.

Feel the vibes

Spark a conversation about her mala beads, then let her know how you guys should absolutely grab some coffee because you think you have lots to talk about. A true product of my generation, I love to connect by saying “What’s your Facebook?” as I pull out my phone. It’s casual because it’s social media, and it means I mean it about keeping in touch.

Trust your gut

As you begin to hang out with your new lady friend, be open to the fact that sometimes, it just doesn’t work out. If you feel drained or left with a bad taste  after you hang, maybe she’s not a fellow tribesworman after all. Whatever the reason, acknowledge it and let it go. On to the next!

Wow, these reads a lot like a dating manual, huh? Inviting positive people into your life is pretty formulaic, regardless of whether you’re trying to summon friends or lovers. What’s your tried-and-true way of bringing good folks into your posse?

9 thoughts on “How to Conjure Your Lady Tribe: The Art of Finding Amazing Girlfriends

  1. I was browsing the net in the hopes of finding this exact topic of a tribe of girlfriends. It really hit home for me because up until a year ago, I had what I thought were besties and/or my tribe of girlfriends. Except, the leader of that tribe was a very negative person. Very bossy, jealous, envious, critical and just a ball of negativity and all the others girls followed suit. I was also living with my son’s father, who was also very negative, unsupportive and did not make me happy at all. On top of that I suffered from depression and low self esteem and these relationships were only adding fuel to the fire. Finally, I decided to seek out a life coach, which changed my life exponentially. I learned to meditate, shift my thinking and tap into my divine self. More importantly, I learned (and continue) how to love myself. Learning how to love and value myself meant letting go of those toxic relationships. Within a matter of months, I ended my relationship with my son’s father, and cut off communication with my ex-tribe. So, life was getting better… However, lately I find myself extremely lonely. I miss not have a tribe. Yes, it was not the healthiest of relationships and I don’t regret my decision – but I miss the female camaraderie, the hysterical banter, and that “ride or die” bestie that will have my back no matter what, as would I…
    It’s been a year and still no real or genuine tribe of girlfriends. I literally have NO girlfriends, or a man in my life and when I’m by myself, the loneliness can be paralyzing. My path in bettering, appreciating and loving myself is a never ending journey, which I love because it opens my mind to new and untapped ways of self-improvement. However, as humans, we’re social creatures and we desire that connection with another human being. This is the element I feel I’m missing in my life. So, your post is what I really needed to read. Finding true and genuine women to be friends with is not an easy task. As you said, it’s kind of like dating in that you have to weed out the the good from a sea of bad. Anyway, I just want to thank you for posting something so real and important to women. The message I took with me is, find a group of like-minded women who will support and uplift your goals in life. If all female tribes were like this, then women would rule the world. 🙂

    1. Hi Jessy,

      Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m so happy you found this to be useful. Regardless of who your future tribe is, it’s so important to nourish your own soul first–and while it can be a little lonely at times, it sets the stage on how others treat you. It’s wonderful you’re choosing that as a priority! You are are on magnificent path: those who lift you up ARE out there, waiting to be lifted up by you also.

      Sending good vibes and sweet thoughts your way, Jessy ❤

      love + light,

    2. Hi Jessy,
      I was reading your comment and it resonated with me so much. As you continue to work on yourself, you will eventually meet kindred spirits. It took me a long time, but I am starting to find them. I am still lonely a lot, but my tribe is growing and it’s beautiful.

      1. Hi Wishbone,

        I don’t know why I’m just noticing your reply, but I just did. Working on myself will always be a work in progress. there are days when I’m at my worse and others when I’m at my best. Since then I’ve been in touch with my ex-tribe, but nothing too involved. It doesn’t hurt to be nice and cordial, but I don’t allow myself to get sucked back in. I’m still in search of my tribe… thought I’ve made a couple of girlfriends. This too is still a work in progress.

        I wish you a very happy new year and I hope your tribe continues to grow in 2016!

  2. Beautifully expressed. As an extremely shy introvert with severe social anxiety, make overtures of friendship is HARD! But forcing myself to express my genuine interest in others has led to some wonderful experiences and friendships.

  3. Thank you for sharing this with us Raquel! I just happened to come upon this through Pinterest, and I’m so glad that I did. I have just recently realized that I don’t need another person’s validation for anything in my life. I started letting myself like the things that I like, regardless of how others may perceive me. It is truly an amazing feeling, to be comfortable with who you are. I accept all parts of me now, and I’m happy to have found the same message here.

    1. You are so welcome, Pam! I’m so happy that this resonated with you. How liberating that feeling is–to suddenly be only accountable to yourself, AND realizing that you’re pretty spectacular without trying to fit into a mold! Continuing that acceptance of ourselves in constant work, and by doing it, we encourage everyone we come into contact with to do the same. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to leave your thoughts ❤ Warmest blessings to you!

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